Almost a love story

Chapter 1 - Still The Same

Today is still the same like yesterday, still the same like the day before, still the same like when I last had you in my arms. I was a reef. Then I met you crushing my ego. And I became so nothing in front of you. Can’t figure out why my heart beat so fast ~ make me hardly breath. Out so many crowd is you that I have passion for. I’m so suffering here with thousand miles apart from you. But even so I still want you in my heart. Even so I still want to treasure you. Tonight is still the same like any other night. Wish to sleep around you. Still wish to whisper you good night. Still wish having you by my side. Oyasumi dear.
Jakarta, Sunday, 11 February 2007 04.33am

Love or lust? I think love is strong enough leading to lust. I lost the capability to say no. Maybe I’m the one who’s wrong, maybe I’m the one who start seducing. Started with curiousity, followed by admiration and love grows unexpectedly. Don’t ask me how. Don’t ask me when. Don’t ask me why. The desire of wanting to get close to you is intense. Is it a fault? Gosh I’m drowning in this bottomless sea of love. Then I’m awaken by the truth that you are not mine. I started it, I must be the one to end it. Don’t get me wrong. You are my greatest expectation. Maybe you won’t believe as I don’t believe how I can fall for someone this way. But you always in my mind, very close to my heart. I found something precious yet I can’t have it in my life… it’s killing me. Somehow I know you are beyond my hand could reach. Maybe you are not created for me. But I still want to thank God for creating an Adam like you to cause me to feel this way. Will you please tell me to burn this feeling pretending it never exist. Cause yui really don’t know how to let go. Anata wo dakitai.
Jakarta, Saturday 17 February 2007 05:52am

Me without you what is the meaning of love. Is it all what’s coming to me is a dream. If only you are here. If only we are near. I would have gone after you and take back the other breath that you have taken away. Then maybe I will less crazy over you.
Jakarta, Sunday 25 Feb 2007 07.46pm



Chapter 2 - Little Wish

Times I wonder should I go this way or walk the other way. Let you go twice yet you lighted up that little wish in me. Is it a sin to have feelings for you. Is it a sin if desire you. Wish I can walk off and be cool about it but I’m here with no where to run, no where to hide, buried in my own emotion. I’m here whispering to you that me and my breath are missing you.
Jakarta, 05 May 2007 22.00pm

I found you when my heart in doubt. I found you when my soul wanna berth. I’m hoping you are my answer. If I’m to be beside you, have me with all my weakness. And when you are beside me….please don’t give up on me.
Jakarta

When you will hug me again. When you will kiss me again. The world is changing when we parted tho it was just a while ago. Here I’m leaving but this time I know I will hold you once again.
June 2007

Who are you I want to know. Are you for real or is just my fantasy. How you get yourself get in here I am so confuse. Don’t know to be blessed or irritated. Is it the curiosity that kills the cat. Knowing that one day you may leave is heartache. Will I be just a chapter in your life or should I be contented with my name nicely carved in a corner. But you are too dear. You’ve been filling the space without me realizing. When the time comes will you ever ask me if I am loving you.
Jakarta, 11 July 2007 03.42pm

If I ask you what I am to you, is that my right. Am I wasting each seconds with putting little hopes on you. Dear what should I do. Till when you keeping my heart, feeding me these romances. Will it be until I can’t stand it anymore, walk away and close our stories. Speak to me so everything is clear. God, is it my sin to have feelings for him. If I’m hurt is it my crime. God… please tell me if I have to let go.
Jakarta, 15 July 2007 02.08am

Chapter 3 - end of story
I don’t know how long I can accept being in the dark. Does he know what makes me so down. But I can’t deny I can’t bear losing him either. Not until he says this is the end. Is this chapter 3? The only person that can make me flying high is also the only one capable of making me feel buried in the ground. Is so funny how guys are the same after all but I’m so glad he fixed it from the moment I showed signs. Making me feeling somehow I mean a lot to him. Where this goes? I don’t know. Is it another mind matter game? Meanwhile just jump in and enjoy the roller coaster ride.
Jakarta, 26 July 2007

Discovering each day of my life since I found you has been wonderful. Unexpected. Speechless. Be it on web, be it in my dream or be it started when I met you. Love it to find your eyes were searching for me when I came for you. Love it when you smile. Love it to watch you asleep. Love it to feel your kiss, love it to feel your skin. And best of all, love it to share the same morning. Thank you for the unforgettable moments you gave. Thank you for bringing me much smiles. Thank you for knocking my door.
Jakarta, 08 Aug 2007 02.28am

Is this a good bye? It’s coming I feel it. End of the story?
Jakarta, 17 August 2007 01.20am

Chapter 4 - Answer

In reference to 17 August 2007 01.20am
Nearly 4 weeks have gone by since we last shared our thoughts, our feelings, our daily happenings. So much has changed during the course of this period. It must have been a shock for you to hear the words that have come out of me. I felt that it was the ‘best’ choice for me to make at the time. My feelings were all for you, but my heart was still split into two and being shared. I knew the time had come, where I must settle this and make a decision to not leave you in the dark forever. I understand how much she endured me and was willing to accept being in the dark just to share our mutual feelings. So the decision was made. This decision was to put our feelings on hold and allow me a chance to settle my emotional dilemma.

Following the chat and sms to her about ending our ‘relationship’, I was up all night, tossing and turning. I was unable to sleep. My mind was filled with many thoughts. The relationship with my gf had no feelings whatsoever. It was a dead-end relationship that was still on-going. It was this very night that I finalized my decision to bring this relationship with my gf to an end. Reason being, my heart was somewhere else. It already followed her back to Jakarta.

48 hours, I was free. The feeling of feeling single was back. But how do I contact her? I really wanted to know what she was doing. And I couldn’t keep her off of my mind. Maybe a simple SMS would do. But I held off that thought and just let go of my phone and let it sit on the table. Another week passed by before I had the courage to send my first sms to her to ask ‘how is everything and are you feeling better?’. I was delighted to receive a reply a short few minutes later. It was on a Friday evening, after work, on my way to Parkway Parade to grab dinner. I happened to be walking past the same McDonalds where we had our breakfast when her reply came back, reading “I’m doing okay”. All the memories starting coming back into my head. I smiled, and finally regained some appetite to eat my dinner.

Now this day arrives. And finally I can answer without guilt, how I feel about her.
And the answer is that my feelings have not changed for Yui. I miss Yui. And I still want to hold Yui in my arms. Yui no longer needs to be in the dark. But I give Yui the choice. Either choice she makes, Masaki’s arms will remain open for my dear Yui.

Special entry by Masaki, for Yui.
Singapore, 18 September 2007 01.33am

True love never dies for it is lust that fades away

Love bonds for a lifetime but lust just pushes away
FateDetermines Who Comes Into Our Lives,

But Heart Determines Who Stays

There is no particular reason why i am posting this. I guess I just want to free my self from the dark room.