Tree - Leaf - Wind

People call me “Tree”.
I had dated 5 girls when I was in Pre-U. There is one girl who I lovealot but never dared to go after. She didn’t have a pretty face, goodfigure or an outstanding charm. She was just a very ordinary girl. Iliked her. I really liked her. I liked her innocence, her frankness, her intelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her wasthatI felt somebody so ordinary like her was not a good match for me. Iwasalso afraid that after we were together all the feelings would vanish. Iwas also afraid other’s gossip would hurt her.

I felt that if she were my girl, she’d be mine ultimately & I didn’thave to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompanying me for 3 years. She watched me chase other girls, and I have made her heart cry for 3 years.

She was a good actor, and me a demanding director. When I kissed mysecond girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smiled&said, “Go on!” before running off. The next day, her eyes were swollenlike a walnut. I did not want to know what caused her to cry.

Laterthatday, I returned from soccer training to get something & watched her cryin the classroom for an hour or so. My fourth girlfriend did not like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she is not the type that will start the quarrel.However, I still sided my girlfriend. I shouted at her & ignored her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she was laughing & joking with me like nothing happened. I know she was hurt but she did not know deep down inside I was hurt too.

When I broke up with my fifth girlfriend, I asked her out. Later thatday, I told her I had something to tell her. I told her about my breakup. Coincidentally, she has something to tell me too, about hergettingtogether..I knew who the person was. His pursuit for her had been the talk of the School. I did not show her my heartache, just smiles & best wishes. OnceI reached home, I could not breathe. Tears rolled & I broke down. Howmany times have I seen her cry for the man who did not acknowledge her presence?

During graduation, I read a SMS in my mobile. It said, “Leaf’s departure is because of Wind’s pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask her to stay”

Leaf..People call me Leaf..
During the 3 years of Pre-U, I was on very close terms with a guy as buddy kind. However, when he had his first girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt – Jealousy. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 months. When they broke up, I hide my happiness. But after a month, he got together with another girl.

I liked him & I know he liked me. But why won’t he pursue me? Since he loves me why he didn’t he make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. After some time, I began to suspectthat this was one-sided love. If he didn’t like me, why did he treat me so well? It’s beyond what you will normally do for a friend. I know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out.You can’t expect me a girl, to ask him. Despite that, I still wanted to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, and love him. Hoping that one day, he will come to love me. Becauseof this, I waited for him. Sometimes, I wondered if I should continue waiting. The pain, the dilemma accompanied me for 3 years.

At the end of my 3rd year, a junior pursues me. Everyday he pursues me. He’s like the cool & gentle wind, trying to blow off a leaf from atree.In the end, I realized that I wanted to give this wind a small footingin my heart. I know the wind will bring the leaf to a better land. Finally, leaf left the tree, but the tree only smiled & didn’t ask me to stay.

Leaf’s departure is because of Wind’s pursuit. Or cause Tree didn’taskher to stay..

Wind..
People call me Wind.. Because I like a girl called leaf. Because she’s so dependent on tree,so I have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was 1 month after I was transferred to this newschool. I saw a petite person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends, looking at him. When he talks with girls, there’s jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there’s a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit. Just like, she likes to look at him.
One day, she didn’t appear. I felt something missing. I can’t explain the feeling except it’s a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw mysenior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out anote & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accepts the note.The next day, she appeared & passes me a note and left.

It read, “Leaf’s heart is too heavy and wind couldn’t blow heraway..”

“It’s not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to leave tree.” I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me. Within 4 months, I have declared my love for her no less than 20times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to winher over. I can’t remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know, she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope.

Hoping that she will agree to be my girlfriend. I didn’t hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked, “What are you doing? How come you didn’t want to reply?” She said, “I’m nodding my head”. “Ah?” I couldn’t believe my ears.“I’m nodding my head” She replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rush to her place & press her doorbell. During the moment when she opens the door, I hugged her tightly.

Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask herto stay…

Moral..
In love, we win very rarely, but when love is true, even if you lose, you still win just for having the tingle of loving someone more than you love yourself.

There comes a time when we stop loving someone, not because that person has stopped loving us but because we have found out that, they’d behappier if we let go..
Why do we close our eyes when we sleep? When we cry? When we imagine?When we kiss?

This is because THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THINGS IN THE WORLD ARE UNSEEN.

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind, but keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world. It’s the beginning of a new life. Happiness lies for those who cry those who hurt, those who have searched and those who have tried. For only they can appreciate the importance of the people who have touched ourlives.

A great love? It’s when you shed tears and still you care for them, it’s when they ignore you and still you long for them. It’s when they beginto love another and yet you smile and say, “I’m happy for you.” If love fails, set yourself free, let your heart spread its wings and fly again.Remember you may find love and lose it, but when love dies, you never have to die with it.

The strongest people are not those who always win but those who stand back up when they fall. Somehow, along the course of life, you learn about yourself and realize that there should never be regrets, only alifelong appreciation of the choices you’ve made.

Loving is not how you forget but how you forgive, not how you listen buthow you understand, not what you see but how you feel, and not how you let go but how you hold on.

It’s more dangerous to weep inwardly rather than outwardly. Outwardtears can be wiped away while secret tears scar forever..

It’s best to wait for the one you want than settle for one that’savailable. It’s best to wait for the right one because life is tooshort to wasteon just someone . . .

Almost a love story

Chapter 1 - Still The Same

Today is still the same like yesterday, still the same like the day before, still the same like when I last had you in my arms. I was a reef. Then I met you crushing my ego. And I became so nothing in front of you. Can’t figure out why my heart beat so fast ~ make me hardly breath. Out so many crowd is you that I have passion for. I’m so suffering here with thousand miles apart from you. But even so I still want you in my heart. Even so I still want to treasure you. Tonight is still the same like any other night. Wish to sleep around you. Still wish to whisper you good night. Still wish having you by my side. Oyasumi dear.
Jakarta, Sunday, 11 February 2007 04.33am

Love or lust? I think love is strong enough leading to lust. I lost the capability to say no. Maybe I’m the one who’s wrong, maybe I’m the one who start seducing. Started with curiousity, followed by admiration and love grows unexpectedly. Don’t ask me how. Don’t ask me when. Don’t ask me why. The desire of wanting to get close to you is intense. Is it a fault? Gosh I’m drowning in this bottomless sea of love. Then I’m awaken by the truth that you are not mine. I started it, I must be the one to end it. Don’t get me wrong. You are my greatest expectation. Maybe you won’t believe as I don’t believe how I can fall for someone this way. But you always in my mind, very close to my heart. I found something precious yet I can’t have it in my life… it’s killing me. Somehow I know you are beyond my hand could reach. Maybe you are not created for me. But I still want to thank God for creating an Adam like you to cause me to feel this way. Will you please tell me to burn this feeling pretending it never exist. Cause yui really don’t know how to let go. Anata wo dakitai.
Jakarta, Saturday 17 February 2007 05:52am

Me without you what is the meaning of love. Is it all what’s coming to me is a dream. If only you are here. If only we are near. I would have gone after you and take back the other breath that you have taken away. Then maybe I will less crazy over you.
Jakarta, Sunday 25 Feb 2007 07.46pm



Chapter 2 - Little Wish

Times I wonder should I go this way or walk the other way. Let you go twice yet you lighted up that little wish in me. Is it a sin to have feelings for you. Is it a sin if desire you. Wish I can walk off and be cool about it but I’m here with no where to run, no where to hide, buried in my own emotion. I’m here whispering to you that me and my breath are missing you.
Jakarta, 05 May 2007 22.00pm

I found you when my heart in doubt. I found you when my soul wanna berth. I’m hoping you are my answer. If I’m to be beside you, have me with all my weakness. And when you are beside me….please don’t give up on me.
Jakarta

When you will hug me again. When you will kiss me again. The world is changing when we parted tho it was just a while ago. Here I’m leaving but this time I know I will hold you once again.
June 2007

Who are you I want to know. Are you for real or is just my fantasy. How you get yourself get in here I am so confuse. Don’t know to be blessed or irritated. Is it the curiosity that kills the cat. Knowing that one day you may leave is heartache. Will I be just a chapter in your life or should I be contented with my name nicely carved in a corner. But you are too dear. You’ve been filling the space without me realizing. When the time comes will you ever ask me if I am loving you.
Jakarta, 11 July 2007 03.42pm

If I ask you what I am to you, is that my right. Am I wasting each seconds with putting little hopes on you. Dear what should I do. Till when you keeping my heart, feeding me these romances. Will it be until I can’t stand it anymore, walk away and close our stories. Speak to me so everything is clear. God, is it my sin to have feelings for him. If I’m hurt is it my crime. God… please tell me if I have to let go.
Jakarta, 15 July 2007 02.08am

Chapter 3 - end of story
I don’t know how long I can accept being in the dark. Does he know what makes me so down. But I can’t deny I can’t bear losing him either. Not until he says this is the end. Is this chapter 3? The only person that can make me flying high is also the only one capable of making me feel buried in the ground. Is so funny how guys are the same after all but I’m so glad he fixed it from the moment I showed signs. Making me feeling somehow I mean a lot to him. Where this goes? I don’t know. Is it another mind matter game? Meanwhile just jump in and enjoy the roller coaster ride.
Jakarta, 26 July 2007

Discovering each day of my life since I found you has been wonderful. Unexpected. Speechless. Be it on web, be it in my dream or be it started when I met you. Love it to find your eyes were searching for me when I came for you. Love it when you smile. Love it to watch you asleep. Love it to feel your kiss, love it to feel your skin. And best of all, love it to share the same morning. Thank you for the unforgettable moments you gave. Thank you for bringing me much smiles. Thank you for knocking my door.
Jakarta, 08 Aug 2007 02.28am

Is this a good bye? It’s coming I feel it. End of the story?
Jakarta, 17 August 2007 01.20am

Chapter 4 - Answer

In reference to 17 August 2007 01.20am
Nearly 4 weeks have gone by since we last shared our thoughts, our feelings, our daily happenings. So much has changed during the course of this period. It must have been a shock for you to hear the words that have come out of me. I felt that it was the ‘best’ choice for me to make at the time. My feelings were all for you, but my heart was still split into two and being shared. I knew the time had come, where I must settle this and make a decision to not leave you in the dark forever. I understand how much she endured me and was willing to accept being in the dark just to share our mutual feelings. So the decision was made. This decision was to put our feelings on hold and allow me a chance to settle my emotional dilemma.

Following the chat and sms to her about ending our ‘relationship’, I was up all night, tossing and turning. I was unable to sleep. My mind was filled with many thoughts. The relationship with my gf had no feelings whatsoever. It was a dead-end relationship that was still on-going. It was this very night that I finalized my decision to bring this relationship with my gf to an end. Reason being, my heart was somewhere else. It already followed her back to Jakarta.

48 hours, I was free. The feeling of feeling single was back. But how do I contact her? I really wanted to know what she was doing. And I couldn’t keep her off of my mind. Maybe a simple SMS would do. But I held off that thought and just let go of my phone and let it sit on the table. Another week passed by before I had the courage to send my first sms to her to ask ‘how is everything and are you feeling better?’. I was delighted to receive a reply a short few minutes later. It was on a Friday evening, after work, on my way to Parkway Parade to grab dinner. I happened to be walking past the same McDonalds where we had our breakfast when her reply came back, reading “I’m doing okay”. All the memories starting coming back into my head. I smiled, and finally regained some appetite to eat my dinner.

Now this day arrives. And finally I can answer without guilt, how I feel about her.
And the answer is that my feelings have not changed for Yui. I miss Yui. And I still want to hold Yui in my arms. Yui no longer needs to be in the dark. But I give Yui the choice. Either choice she makes, Masaki’s arms will remain open for my dear Yui.

Special entry by Masaki, for Yui.
Singapore, 18 September 2007 01.33am

True love never dies for it is lust that fades away

Love bonds for a lifetime but lust just pushes away
FateDetermines Who Comes Into Our Lives,

But Heart Determines Who Stays

There is no particular reason why i am posting this. I guess I just want to free my self from the dark room.

Lady it's Petraining

Company must be damn lucky to have me here. Such a beauty, smart, dedicated…. entertaining lady. Mhmm…. Emphasizing the last one actually :D

I was writing an email to customer one fine afternoon.
Dear A,

Please find attached the billing from JP penetrating the 2 shut out containers.
[Enter]

Didn’t find anything wrong with my spelling till minutes later… Gab, my colleague shouted out “How the hell you penetrate a container?”
The email was sent to group email of each dept. A-aww…. That means EVERYBODY RECEIVED IT!!
(few minutes later) the whole office bursted into tears.

*sob sob*

While the memory of penetrating girl is still fresh, I did it again. This time... tongue twister woes. I was with my colleagues walking on the way to bus stop and Sham was making a joke on me with penetrating issue again. I was grumbling and shouted.

Me : Don’t intimate me!
Harry : What? Intimate you? Sham! What did you do to her???
Colleagues : HUAHAHHAHA

I swear I meant “Don’t IMITATE me”

Huhuhuhu T__T

Just Maybe

Maybe. .
we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one
so that, when we finally meet the right person,
we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe . .. . when the door of happiness closes,
another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe . . . it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it,
but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe . . . the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe . . . the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past;
after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes,
failures and heartaches.

Maybe . . . you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go,
be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.

Maybe . . . there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.

Maybe . . . the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Maybe . . you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.

Maybe . . you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe . . giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe . .. . happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe . . . you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Maybe . . you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy

Maybe . . . you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.

Thanks for the encouragement Bro!

My December

With few more days to Xmas... I was wondering if it is for real. Jingles are all over, Xmas trees, lights up, gifts. My fav xmas time to be in Singapore comes true but somehow feeling kinda strange. Is it because Orchard Rd is not as lively as it used to? Or is it simply my soul is somewhere else.

Perhaps people start to think and their Y2K9 resolutions andI havent think of mine yet. End of the year is time to look back. Tho I didn't accomplish as much as I expect, I'm satisfied with what I have now. Perhaps I've loosen up my self. I don't feel ambitious as much as I was tho I still drool over pretty shoes ^_^. This year it didnt turn out as I hoped nor imagined. But aint big girls dont cry?

It's been a while since my Mid Summer's Night Dream. There are times I can't differentiate if it was a dream or just my fantasy. It's frustrating. The chapter ended with going on our own. Don't ask why coz reasons are made. For the only one that has the power of manipulating my life, I guess is time to say bye. So let this December be the last memory of you.